I’m 25 years old tomorrow and I’m sitting here, my hands gloved, because my apartment is really cold and I’m writing this garbage about it. I went past that stack of receipts that fell on my boards because I’m too lazy to keep track of what’s going on, and I do not know how to control myself enough to really sort that information.
It’s been a year to the day that I finished my last exam, on a short-sighted flanker perspective, running with a panic attack to arrive on time, then storing all my shit in cartons with the help of my friend. She took care of him and even took the burden of carrying my shit and taking me to the airport at 4 am, where I flew to Los Angeles for fear of being denied by the rules about visas.
LA was not a trip, I felt lonely and alienating, and I slept at the bus station to go to San Francisco, where there was a youth hostel full of mattresses. I stayed for days as a tourist, confused and smoking too much grass, which would give me the promised panic attacks. Finally, my German friend who came to the city abandoned me, and I found myself jumping from inn to hostel more and more expensive. I found the haight, and the queer center that directed me to the center of don technocrate lib comso-puritan, technology giant, who funded homeless youth. An old blind gay man I found let me stay on his floor for $ 10 a night, but I finally got him fired halfway out of homosexuality for fear of my exploitation.
Folded on a promise to dope with a friend, I took some acid labels thinking that I was King Paimon screaming at my infernal cycle of evil, because I am. I am paimon I am paimon I am paimon. I thought I was scared of this pain and howling I was 51/50 days old. Just because of Solomon’s little keys, it was determined, so I was scared. When I woke up in the hospital, the police there and interpol there were sent to a shelter with just seats and the resounding news until the reporter’s release, I slept in front of the faculty of Harkin Road Resources. Welcomed with open arms, I was sent to a psychiatric ward with these socks. I thought a man was naked and attacked the cops. I read, ate and read without knowing what time it was before being sent to another where a racist man was sitting next to me. and I ate and ate. They released me because I did not have my American prescription of my titty or my head.
I had food, food, food and fat, and I met friends who helped me sleep in the streets with ease and in the mountains. I stayed in Oakland and went to Berkley, but Gilman was too cool for me even though I loved his brilliant noises and so I ended up in the city. I was finally rewarded with a home at a shelter, where I got fucked with benzos and spent all my time idling on a Game Boy Advance SP console, reading, writing and To draw. It was weeks and weeks of fright and excitement, I woke up at 7 am and returned at 5 pm to the building filled with rats and meth smoking in the bathrooms. A man told me that mousolini was a good man and I told him to fuck off, but I stayed away from the violent clashes that plague the intrepid place. Chess was fun, and everything else.
I saw in front of the Tesla building where images of conspicuous consumption of wealthy liberals not caring about the horrors of their gentrification led the city to buy their capitalist jerk stations respectful of eco-fascism. The rat in the laundry room was called Stuart, but he was not small.
Ecstatic, I was given a sro in the mission with a schizophrenic neighbor who was cooking methamphetamine who shouted, “Help me! Help me!’ when I moved in my friend went to offer help, but the woman shouted, “Fuck you, fucking dyke! and all they had was laughs. She was firing the fire alarm at 4 am and was shouting racial obscenities over and over again and I felt the smell of methamphetamine seeping into my room as the curtain indicated “We’ll show you” scribbled at the marker. My other neighbors were a gay couple shouting at each other and fucking at the same rate, I heard everything. A guy knocked on my door asking for methamphetamine. So he sold him some grass and brought him 10 dollars. Another man broke into my room while I was in the shower and met him in my room. I threw him out of doors, because of the scarcity and the shock, by offering help for shelters, while fearing that his presence was in his bags. He climbed the 3-story window as Spiderman broke my window, which the owners took a long time to repair. One day, I was given a room in a transgender house and I took it.
A technology company’s “Ultimate EQ” course gave me a chance to get tired and nauseous about the theory of the right working class learning about comfort, and an undocumented course that I loved but in which I felt lonely gave me a reason to stay. great red communist organization that I adored and adored and that I did not feel invited. I was paid to masturbate men on webcam, which I did, I loved the attention again, I also did lots of cokes in a limousine with other homeless people kids, dirty kids and lines on my phone my head rushed, eating mdma in a secret cove. My friend took me to a public bathroom where we steamed a boiling horse from foil. It was so bad, but I was so quiet when I mixed Darth Vader with Chucky Rugrats. I liked the feeling and I would like to stay, but I ended up fearing the cold and I had to leave.
A 4 day trip from San Francisco to New York City by bus, a guy in a gas station in Utah told me that Bibles were banned in California It was awkward and false, I saw Trump Hats and ‘boys in blue’ scorpion lamps and lollipops. Through Colorado through Ohio to Pittsburgh, where a girlfriend sexually harassed me to ask me to touch her erect penis, I denied it; I returned to the bus and flew to New York, frightened by the deportation. By practicing lines against the fear of my phone, I ended up arriving in New York and getting a free bus to Montreal because the bus driver was happy that his wife was getting a visa.
I landed in Montreal, where I slept in a park and a dirty children’s center in a shelter. An evening at a lesbian striptease club offered me cocaine. I stayed in the bathroom and my phone fell, he did not want to sell, because I asked him if he had any, and it was suspicious, but he looked. even if he also came from New Zealand. My accent did not give way. I finally had an apartment, full of insects and a broken toilet seat with a hangman man tearing me up and guitar noises on it and cigarette smoke underneath.
Fuck a person for the first time in a long time, take me porn pictures for 50 dollars in cash and go to the theater to masturbate 4 men, one of them tried to push my head down and follow the bathroom where I left. Finally, I had a job of deleting comments on websites. I do it at home and watch movies at the same time. I also shoot porn and sell it online, with hope. Another red organization for me to join and feel perpetual guilt and not knowing French, I left school, I was in Toronto, it was busy, in Ottawa and in my own apartment where I slept, slept, and had collages again.
Tomorrow, I will be 25 years old. I am not King Paimon, but I hope to find the direction I am going. I miss San Francisco, I miss my friends. I do not know what I’m doing here, or even if it’s a good idea to stay. But there will be a direction I suppose.
I’m 25 years old tomorrow.